The Love Chronicles, Part 2- In Which the Author Introduces the Story of the...
His name was Cole and beside him I looked like a midget. At six feet tall this is no mean feat. We met at The Chateau Marmont late on a Spring evening. I wore red leather fuck-me boots and eyes of...
View ArticleThe Siren Song of the Snuggie
It has been a long winter, and the season isn’t even half-over. I see in the news today that Snuggie has sold over four million units. How many times have I seen the Snuggie commercial? Too many. So...
View ArticleAnxiety Paints a Self Portrait
The windows around the front door look like aliens. I seem to be the only one who recognizes it, but it’s so obvious. They are tall, skinny aliens with arms that reach down to their knees. Their...
View ArticleDenial, Anger, Bargaining, Anger, Anger and… am I missing one?
Matthew Simmons wrote an hilarious post over at HTMLGIANT about the “Five Stages of Publishing“: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I’m not sure it’s a linear path, but I can definitely...
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Coyotes–A Portentous Image of Anxiety in Iowa
The coyote is lying on the side of the road. Lazily, softly, as if it is sleeping. But dead—this is obvious. A dead coyote, the color of maple, with thick, lustrous fur that makes it seem pettable and...
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The Fix
Happy is the new skinny. Being happy is cool. Being sad, unsatisfied, depressed, lonely, moody or anxious is totally unattractive. Being bubbly, funny, enthusiastic, imaginative and wild is hot....
View ArticleEverything’s Amazing and Nobody’s Happy and I Don’t Want to Grow Up
That lucky old sun has been acting like a real pretentious son-of-a-bitch lately. Always hiding behind the clouds, poking out every once in a while and giving the snow a few minutes of hell. But he...
View ArticleBecause of Camp
Author’s Note: The American Camp Association created a video in which actors and musicians share how their lives were changed for the better “because of camp.” After watching their video, I realized...
View ArticleJen; or Hooked
I met Jen in rehab in 1995. She was trying to kick a methadone habit and I was in an ugly battle with the bottle. She’d been in treatment a few weeks before I arrived. And when I did arrive I was...
View ArticleCycle
I. I’m looking at the teacher’s carefully manicured hands as she clutches the Expo marker to write on the board. I’m aware of her shiny, high-heeled shoes, of her sculpted hairdo. She’s wearing a green...
View ArticleBed
I. I talked before I walked. My mother says I did this in order to boss around anyone willing to listen. No one was, really, except my older brother. We shared a bedroom then, and I’d sit in my crib,...
View Article12 Differences Between Caddyshack and Reality, as Dictated by Depression
1) Working as a caddy in a country club does not entitle one to liberalities of sexual congress with fellow caddies or with the beautiful daughters of influential club members. Also, you are...
View ArticleThe Reluctant Herbivore
One morning in early September I developed a small pain in my left foot while walking in to work. It felt like nothing more than one of the brief aches a habitual ambulator like myself occasionally...
View ArticleCan We Talk?
Major Depressive Disorder (Source: NIMH) Major Depressive Disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15-44. Major Depressive Disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American...
View ArticleStrange Talents: Nervous Breakdown on The Nervous Breakdown
Since psychiatry has proven itself to be anything but a science, the entire concept of mental anguish must be reexamined. Might the elements of “mental illness” more properly be called personality...
View ArticlePunchlines Without Jokes
I am not innately funny. I am, in fact, a very solemn, somber, pensive man trapped in a funny man’s body. In much the same fashion, I am not a fat guy: I’m a little heavy because I am way out of shape,...
View ArticleDispatches from the Wasteland, Part Seven
(DISCLAIMER: The thoughts, opinions, and comments contained in this narrative in no way represent the views of the U.S. Army, Department of Defense, or the United States Government.) Bagpipes The sun...
View ArticleFun with Misery
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about pain, death, misery and failure. I tend to think about these things in January, and I doubt I’m alone. This year, as with last year, I find myself underemployed,...
View ArticlePurple House
The night before I checked myself into the hospital, I told my brother that I only had two episodes of the third season of House left to watch, and that once they were over, I didn’t know what I was...
View ArticleThe Bush Years, The Great Recession, & The Plight of America’s Creative Class
Scott Timberg, writing for Salon, with a compelling essay on the financial struggles of America’s creative class: Neil Young and Bruce Springsteen write anthems about the travails of the working man;...
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